Thursday, April 16, 2009


Think With Your Dick, Get Tricked

This little story has been making the rounds on the internets this week:

Hipster Grifter

It's especially pertinent to me as I live in Brooklyn, and know 90% of the bars and restaurants name-dropped, as well as all the places this beeyotch lived. I also have to navigate the sea of douchebaggery that Williamsburg has become in the short 9 years I've lived here everytime my fiancee and I want to go see a band or have a semi-decent dinner out. I mean, the California hippie in me feels bad for both the girl and her victims, but the cold-hearted bastard in me is thinking 'Serves you right, cocksuckers, for falling for any dumb bitch who is sexually agressive. Go back to your flyover state.' This story confirms my theory that all these Brooklyn hipster fucks really ARE as stupid as they look.


Oy vey, there ain't nothing worse than some drunken after-work fuck. You know who I'm talking about, docker-wearing oafs that peaked in high school, working their way up to middle management only to get replaced 2 years before retirement kicks in. I got news for you guys: we got a black president, the age of white male entitlement is coming to a close, so learn yourselves some fucking manners! The girls that like these kinds of guys aren't much better. Anytime one of them comes up to request a song, I very politely tell them that "I don't take requests" and they look at me like I just put a cat turd in their vodka cranberry. Just cause mommy and daddy never said 'no' to you doesn't mean the rest of the world won't.

Kinder, Gentler

I'm not all spit and vinegar. In real life, my fiancee wears the pants in our relationship. I'm really just a nice guy who gets frustrated with all of the rude, self-entitled folks in the world. So on a lighter note, I want to give a big hug to Washington, D.C. Yep, the entire city. I was just down there last month for a conference for my day job, and you know what? People actually wait for you to get off the train before getting on at the subway stops! Unheard of in NYC. Thanks for being polite, D.C.!

Sunday, April 12, 2009

Punk. Ass. Bitches.

Really though, white folks are kinda pussies. And it's OK, I'm white so I can say shit like that and get away with it. Case in point: I'm doing the rare Saturday shift at my bar gig as a favor to the other DJ, and the place cleared out at 2am. THIS IS NEW YORK FUCKING CITY, the bars stay open til 4am. People should be drinking til the bar closes, then going to an afterhours til 7am, THEN going home and snorting rails and fucking like rabbits. Fucking white people.

On another note, I highly recommend watching the OG "The Longest Yard" - the Burt Reynolds one, not the douchy Adam Sandler remake. As an anthropologist I fucking love the snapshot of 70s American culture it provides. One example: the black inmates come onto the practice field for the first time and one of the white inmates says "Here come the rain clouds." How fucked up and ill is that at the same time? Plus you got Bernadette Peters with a giant pompadour getting down with inmates for money. And Eddie Albert playing a bastard-ass warden, totally opposite from his Green Acres nice guy role. Also, Burt manhandles the fuck out of a lady in the opening scene, 30 years later it still resonates with a "holy shit he just tossed that girl!" kinda vibe. Oh yeah, the other ill shit is the dude from Moonraker who played Jaws is in it too. Oh shit! I forgot about the transvestite Supremes!

That's all I gotta say for now. Eat chocolate bunnies tomorrow bitches!